On this rainy day in Montreal, I am opening up my brain box to reveal this song. And each one of these artists renditions of it. I feel as though we all need to take a moment to feel it. In it's stunning velocity. It's beauty. And that we have all been in that place where things just didn't feel right. And every conversation between lovers felt like the other person was about to end it. Like that pause on the phone when you both know the conversation is over.....except one person is chomping at the bit for more.
I know this feeling
I remember it
Holding onto something
When it wasn't there.
Wishing for someone to see me
If they would only use all of themselves to see and not just their eyes
Wishing for someone to be a little bit different than what they were
Blaming myself
That I wasn't pretty enough
That I wasn't thin enough
That I wasn't smart enough
That I wasn't a good enough lover
That I wasn't
But
The truth is
I am enough
But not for him
Nostalgia is a powerful thing
But not powerful enough
To doubt the blessings
That I feel lucky to have stumbled upon
Today
Or maybe it wasn't stumbled upon
Maybe it was earned
Maybe I will never know
Is it him
Is it me
Is it now
Was it him
Was it me
Was it then
{Side note - I have come to a certain understanding about these relationships that shatter hearts.....they are now just a point of reference.
Not a measuring tool.
Just a dot on the map.....}
Bah - who knows
Maybe I don't care
All I know is that I will cradle myself
In the feeling of home
That I do feel
With someone new
With someone who sees with all of him, not just his eyes
And the process of getting to know
Him
And
Myself
In a more honest place
Because I am more honest
And this inertia
Feels much more
Revolutionary
Than anything before it
Unearthing
Waging a war on my insecurities
Pioneering
Resting
Laughing
I now find myself in a place
Quieter
Safer
More peaceful
Seeking truth
In all the right places
Rather than
Seeking lies in the wrong
I am thankful for the missteps
For the hardships
I owe all of those things just as much respect
As the things that, actually, make me happy
When I let my heart speak
My life feels like that guitar riff
Plucky
Lighter than everything that came before it
Like it was always there
Deja vu
Just muffled
A dream realized
In life
Where an elderly woman on the metro wearing a felt square of red
Makes me smile
Where a mother on the bus fixing her daughters scarf and toque and then kissing her on the face with both hands on each cheek
Warmed my soul
The smell of the rain on the pavement
Soothed my sun seeking being
My heart now resides
With others
A little less alone
A little less melancholy
Than yesterday
And that I don't have to remind myself
To be more open to these things that can be so easily overlooked
Sometimes
I can even forget
And that, is a freedom worth
Everything
